“When are you going to get married?”
My niece asked me that this weekend. She’s four. I reacted very differently than I have in the past. Children and well-meaning family and acquaintances seem to ask this question surprisingly often. That and…”Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” Why are these questions even a thing?
Past reactions have included frustration, confusion, annoyance, and self-doubt. I’ve dated, sure, but the bulk of my adult life has been partner-free. And it’s not for lack of desire or initiative. So while my answer was polite or self-deprecating on the outside, my emotions would be roiling on the inside. “How should I know? Don’t you think if I knew, I would fix it? “ I guess sometimes people aren’t in romantic relationships because they don’t want them. That’s never been the case for me. And it’s never been something I felt I could or should control.
This time, I just answered with simple truth – “I don’t know!”
I’m grateful for how far I’ve come – that I can just be ok with my single status. It’s not a constant state though. The question still pops up when I’m tired or hungry or lonely.
What’s wrong with me?
On the grand scale, obviously, the answer is NOTHING. But we attract people or don’t attract people based on our energy, so something has definitely been off. If I know what kind of relationship I want, and the kind of person I desire, and I do my very best to be that kind of person and be love and loving…where’s the love of my life?
And for that matter, if I’m getting such great compliments on my abilities and I’m out there being the change I want to see in the world, where are the clients?
I may have an answer.
I have beliefs about what an attractive partner is like.
I have beliefs about what an effective spiritual leader or life coach is like.
I am TRYING to be the kind of person I think of as an attractive partner.
I am TRYING to be the kind of person I think of as an effective spiritual leader or life coach.
What if all of my beliefs about who I want to be are completely wrong? It’s not that I’m being
ingenuine. I’m behaving in ways that feel comfortable to me, and that I find attractive in other people.
What if though?
WHAT IF I can shed some more layers and reveal more of me? What if that stuff that I’m not even willing to acknowledge right now…that I don’t even know I’m hiding…what if that is the stuff that makes life, love,
What if I’ve just walled off my heart – making it seem cold and unapproachable – when in reality it thrives on freeflowing interaction with other human be
ings and all I want to do is give love?
What if thinking about how I want to be…is preventing me from really being me?
It’s easy to help others through this process. It’s hard to do by yourself. I’ve got great folks I’m working with on
these questions. If you’re asking these same questions, don’t do it alone. Call me.